I am done with my 20s, 30s and 40s where I have spent most of my energy grappling with childhood issues, with blame and lack of self-love. I can say that I know myself better now. The need to speak about the self with another person is not as strong as when I was younger.
At this age of my life I am aware that “CHARITY” is the highest objective. It’s not about the self anymore. More or less I have passed that stage of in-depth self-processing. I already know myself but as Saint Teresa wrote, “Self-knowledge is a life long process.”
I am passed that stage in my life asking what do I want to be when I grow up. This is already the grown up time. This is the “future” I was thinking of as a child. Not that I thought of being a nun as a child but I often think then of my “future” life. The mysterious twist came and I flowed with it but through the years I was swept now and then by doubts, confusion, guilt, sadness and all sorts of emotions that makes me think that I might have made the wrong decision in choosing this way of life.
We live only once and what if in this one life I made the wrong choice? What if there is another life where I would be happier, more contented and more of my own at ease self?
And yet what if I chose the other life and have these exact same questions?
No one really knows. It could be this, it could be that. I have made a choice, a commitment. If I was married and felt I made the wrong choice would I decide to leave and begin elsewhere?
These are passing thoughts that I have but I notice that through the years they don’t really come to a point of a “crisis” or disturbance that makes me seriously discern. Maybe they are normal.
Maybe even married/partnered people have all these musings now and then asking themselves, “Am I trapped? Did I make the right choice?”