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Category Archives: co-dependent relationship

A LETTER TO MYSELF (and yourself, too)

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My dearest self,

We can make things happen. You are not alone. I am here for you.  Don’t run to people to help you get out of the darkness. It is our task to do that. Don’t blame a friend, don’t blame others if they cannot sit with you in your dark places anymore.

Find your clarity, your healing, your moving-on-choices. You are an unmarried woman. You have no one, in human form, you can really call your own. You were not meant for that. God called you to be his alone.

It is not true that you will not be able to rise above all these emotional turmoil. One day you will just realize that you are less hungry for connections. You will understand that true friendship defies space and time and you will see that all along it is about you and God.

Do not be afraid to enter this new life with yourself. Know your compulsions. Refuse to be enslaved by the terrors of your fear. Hold yourself and breathe as you self-soothe.  Recognize that   in all your tiny attempts to seek peace God is ever ready to supply all you need. At times the packaging is not according to how you would want it but He knows best. God gave you this part of yourself who is now writing this letter. I am your “sane” part, this part of you who carries the clarity of your every choices.

Well, you often do not listen to me but I am always here. I am this part of you who remains clear and trusting despite all that you went through in the past. I was unharmed by fear. God made it so. I was remain whole and safe within you.

I see you   fail again and again but I don’t hate you for that. I feel your every sadness and confusions but I never lost hope in you.  I know you didn’t know any better. You were consumed by your fears, and mainly by your mistaken beliefs about yourself.    I am grateful you are with me at this moment. Others say you can get in touch with me during meditation but it seems in your case we meet better when you write.

I am with you. I am yourself who will always help you get up and begin again and again and again. Let us both stand before your fears and see that you will be alright no matter where you are at this stage of your life. You are never on your own. Do not lose patience. I am here for you.    I am this part of you which was never distorted by your history of difficulties and false beliefs. I remain in God’s space of love no matter where you were back then. Unscathed. Protected. Safe. It was meant to be.  There will always be a part of every person which will not be harm by darkness.

I don’t know if you can call me your soul,   your higher self,   your essence. Whatever label won’t matter but what I want you to never forget is that you are never alone. No one has abandoned you even if your father died early, your mother left you for some time,   your “failed” relationships – these are not abandonment(s).   It has touched your life with pain but ultimately you were never abandoned because I have accompanied you all along the journey. You felt alone but in truth I was there. You couldn’t hear but I never left you. And I am still here and will always be here.

You have me already long before other friendships were given to you. Long before all the other “band-aids” were applied.   Try to use your remaining time wisely now. I can help you.

The struggle with loneliness will always be there but the intensity will change.   Trust yourself on this.  Remember that you have me. I am a spark of God’s presence in you. I have been taking care of you through the years and it will never change.

I hope you will always remember too as you enter another decade of your life that only when you find peace in “US” – yourself in me, in your true essence – intact, healed, whole, freed from fears and groundlessness – only then that your relationship with others can be really called true friendship. Empty of your need to be filled by them, to seek  refuge in them. There is no perfect life but inner peace is possible.

I can help you find that kind of peace.    I am with you always, 24/7.  Trust me with your tomorrow. Trust me with your today. Trust HIM who gave me to you.

 

 

 

 

A CHOICE THAT WILL AFFECT THE REMAINING YEARS OF MY LIFE

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In opening myself to this relationship I realized that I have made myself deeply vulnerable to all the inevitable challenges that goes with it.

I see its difficulties and given the choice I will still have this friendship in my life.  I am grateful but I must admit it is hurting me.

To be deeply bonded with another is rare especially where I am.

I told him that I have reached my limit. I am already tired. I have come face to face about the uselessness of all my romantic illusions about us. All that I have in mind is useless because however I struggle we will remain this way. Always apart than together.

There is nothing to look forward to in the future. We are not going to get married nor do we have any future of being together.

I was able to share all this to him yesterday. He listened very well. As always.  He said I will still evolve and that no matter how I feel right now it is still a part of my life: the friendship that we have.  He said what is not good is to be angry with myself that I have this.

Yes, his presence is a part of my life.

I live this life with all my compulsions and awareness of having an illicit double life with him.

I told him this angst, this impatience with myself, this question of why am I allowing myself to go through all the longings and aches in spite of  knowing  that there is nothing to look forward to between us.  That I will just perpetually be in pain.

This is not about wanting us to be a “normal” couple.

It never crossed my mind   that we get married even from the start. He is happy and fulfilled where he is.  I will not take that away from him in the same way that changing path was never an option for me.   I know myself. Married life is never in my template.

We are really just good friends enjoying each other’s presence.   Ours is really just an unconventional friendship. There was attraction, an affinity of the mind, and later it blossomed into a beautiful uninhibited and soulful friendship. In choosing to have this kind of friendship, issues which in normal situation should not have been a part of my life overwhelmed me.  With it comes all the messy, thorny area of human condition: insecurities, emotional dependence, exclusivity, sense of entitlement and many other pain-filled issues.

What do I want then?

Should I choose to be devoid of aches and longings and be without a friend or have the friendship and somehow learn to live with certain “unsolvable” and “chronic” issues which unsettles my resolve to have a serene life? Guilt, long distance relationship anguish, trust, longings and all that comes with a man and woman relationship.

My choice now will define the remaining years of my life.  Shall I continue living this way? Always unsure whether to let go or to accept what is and simply appreciate what my friend and I have?

Can I just receive my life as it is with all its uniqueness and complexities and stop looking at it as a problem to be solved?

Should I just accept that there will never really be an “everything-is already-solved” phase and that all of us simply learns to balance and juggle with life’s is-ness?

But what if I am destroying myself by not letting go? What if all along I should not have entered into this double life with him?

What do I really want?

 

 

 

 

 

NOTHING TO PROVE – NOTHING TO PROTECT

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“Long for that space where there is nothing to prove and nothing to protect.” – Richard Rohr.

Through the years I have this feeling that she is ignoring me.  When we talk I could see the disinterested posture.  But I also see efforts at her end. Maybe my being aloof is quite apparent too.  There is something between us that makes me uncomfortable.

But as I aged I see this connection now for what it is and I have become willing to drop the drama. In life it is impossible to be friends and intimate with everyone. It is not obligatory to be friends with all. There will always be people with whom a smile and slight nod is enough.

In the past it felt like if someone is not friendly with me it means I am not good enough.  It makes me feel small and invisible. The rejection signal is up.

My discomfort with X is coming from a perceived threat which may or may not be real. Memories of the past may be influencing me. I cannot completely marked X with the past and even if this wavelength between us remains the same it is alright.  I always have the choice to step back and be aware of my own responses. We are simply not friends but we are not enemies too.

I wanted to write about this because of my need to remind myself not to cave in into this scenario again.

Growing up I now see that my need to be liked, approved of, accepted and all that feeling that makes me feel good about myself, dictates my serenity. Everything depended on how people around me behaved towards me. It doesn’t always show because I am good at pretending but I now understand how I lived all those years seeking for my peace in the eyes of others.

Do they show interest? Do they listen to me? Are they basically warm or nice to me?  Do they like me?

Bruised by my early experiences in life and human as I am, it is normal that I get hurt when there are situations that make me feel poor about myself but I now have a clearer mind to refuse to latch on those aches. I can nip it in the bud; let it go and refuse to make a drama.

In the past I rely on external circumstances to define the quality of my everyday life. Finally I have this inner shift. I see myself turning inward where true peace resides.

It is so freeing not to allow others to dictate my inner weather. No one outside of me can define me anymore.  Wanting to be liked, accepted and approved of is a basic human need.  I am referring to excessive and unhealthy needs here. Sometimes we can get ruined by a slight word of    criticism   or when others simply blocked or fail to approve our friend request in FB.

It is refreshing to finally understand that it is not compulsory, it is not obligatory that everyone likes me. The world owes me nothing. People owe me nothing. Not their time, not their attention, not their friendship, – nothing!

I know I will still get slighted at any sign of being ignored or being made to feel invisible but hopefully I can already cut it short and be mindful of the truth that what I can already give myself: A healthy self-esteem, a positive self-regard, a sense of calm and balance rooted in my own center and not on others.

Long for that space where there is nothing to prove and nothing to protect.

I pray that I have already entered  this space where  there is nothing to prove and nothing to protect.  There is nothing around me that should make me walk on egg shells.     I don’t have to please anyone to feel safe, to feel good about myself.  On my own I am safe. On my own I am good enough.

And if I see others stepping back from me or not being warm with me, (for varied reasons I shouldn’t fabricate a story about) I will not to see it as an attack against me. I will try my very best not to equate others reactions towards me as due to my not being good enough. Most of the time, their reaction is about them and not about me. I am not the center of the universe. If people around me opt not to gravitate around me it is okay. I can lighten up, secure in this space of not needing to prove anything to anyone, not even to God. (He loves me just as I am was a cliché when I was younger, now it makes sense to me!)

The bottom line is: No one owes me anything. I am not entitled to anything. And it also helps to remember that people are intrinsically good. Except for completely warped personalities people are basically good and loving.  They too are just caught up with their own personal struggles and self-esteem issues.  Sometimes we can spend so much energy worried about what others are thinking about us when in reality we are not at all in their coverage area.  And those others can go through the same scenario: worrying what we think of them.

When we enter that space where there is nothing to prove and nothing to protect silence sets in. Our need to uphold an image melts down. The need to define our everyday life as good and bad ends. We settle down. No more defenses, no more pretensions, no more stars, no more dots.

Silence, calm, serenity sets in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My life. My choice. My peace.

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I am on a cross-road as I see my life coming full circle.

Being aware nudges you not to ignore what you already know.

My 17 year old self did all those because she didn’t know any better. It is a different space now. Life has already taught me many lessons. I am my young self’s mother now.

Mistakes committed then can be excused but not anymore this time.

There can be no justification. I have to accept that we really cannot have it all.

To love and be loved, no one is taking this away from me. No one can take away our friendship, no one can erase what we already have.  But I need to accept, in dosage that I can manage, that there are things I have to give up.

Today as I journaled for an hour something inside me click. It was like finding the right key. Life really has its way of repeating issues to make one see. Do I need another decade to accept I now see?

Love is real. Friendship is real. Our bond is real. I can hold on to this and let go of what shouldn’t be and cannot be. Where I fall I can choose to stand. My scars can be my stars. Gems in the rubble of my one lifetime.

It’s alright when I get confused but right this moment my life is crystal clear. I am seeing the pattern since I was 17. Where else can I go to run away from this pattern?

Life is short and it is a gift that in the midst of my being healthy and fit I have this capacity to reflect and realize that my life is important and i cannot simply flow mindlessly.

If I will not choose others can make decisions for me later and that would break my heart. It is better that I am the one setting the pace, and that choices are made in this quite peaceful space.

My life. My choice. My peace.

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RELATIONSHIP. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT.

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Life is short. We don’t have forever in learning what we need to learn. It would be impossible to learn and master every single lesson but there is a custom-built syllabus for us. We each grapple differently with our own particular issues.

And despite all this unique life situations  we are bounded by a single aim,  though we may label it with a thousand name.

CONTENTMENT

HAPPINESS

FULFILLMENT

A SENSE OF MEANING

BALANCE

SERENITY

WHOLENESS

BLISS

MINDFULNESS

BEING AWAKE

When all these labels are filtered, it boils down to our  basic need: the need to love and be loved.

Whatever notion of “Happiness” we have it is intrinsically connected with the quality of our relationship with our own self and our significant others.

Relationship. This is what life is all about

LEARN ALREADY

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LET GO.

Your life’s episodes these days is on this lesson of letting go.

Refuse. Relinguish the desire,

the need

the compulsion

the hunger

…. to be in charge, to influence, to control, to manipulate.

Let things be as they are.

If today you receive a news that you will be needing a major surgery, or you have a terminal illness or you are about to have an aneurysm, none of this need to be in control would matter. If today you learn that a loved one had an accident, or is having a huge personal struggle, or a young niece got pregnant, none of what you are feeling restless about at this moment would matter.

It is your mind pulling you in this direction of pettiness again and again.

Observe your mind, your heart.

Be quiet. Listen to your thoughts, to your feelings.

Observe, listen. Do not react.

And if you do react help yourself not to react with how you reacted.

Think about what your are thinking about.

Be in touch with how you feel. Be in touch with the pattern of your thoughts and emotions.

Only in your willingness to be present with what is will you be able to meet this part of you. Your non-reactive, peaceful self. Allow yourself to meet her.

LIFE IS SHORT.

You only have a certain time to learn these lessons. You don’t have forever.

It is the same lesson repeating over and over again because this is what God wants you to learn.

Learn already.

LIVING WELL: a mid lifer’s dream

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I am still caught up with tooooo much drama. I glanced at two blogs dedicated to happy living just now and something ached inside me.

It is possible to be like them, choosing to live with serenity. Journeying on that goal instead of forever wallowing on life’s endless drama.

I can do it, too. What exactly am I gaining in being stuck with PMDD drama, jealousy, possessiveness, my need to be in control, etc.?

The Happiness Project of Gretchen Rubin was already purchased. I downloaded Leo B’s Focus E-book also. I have Brene Brown’s two popular books. I have quiet space around here to nurture myself. I don’t have an 8-5 work, no children, no husband, no in-laws, no illness (except this premenstrual thing!), no household bills, no car to maintain, no traffic, no pollution, no need to be in the grocery or any market, no bank, no finances to manage….in a word no source of the usual many stresses that people out there battle with day in and day out.

And yet how come I don’t see any difference? I am also stressed-out.

I wonder why I still feel this way when everything about my life points out to serene living.

I have a life that people out there would love to have.

In spite of all that could foster serene living here I am still wondering why I am not at peace. This simply means that inner peace is really not about the externals. Living in a space like mine, with structures, routine that you learn to get by and master as you stay here for the rest of your life.

I like it here. It’s not that I am insisting for a life-path that is not for me.  I am at home here. I cannot also picture myself as a mother.

But what if I am just scared to start from nothing in the real world?

This place gives me security. It’s a very sheltered life. What if I am just scared to embark on a new life and risk everything? So far I haven’t reach this kind of desperation that I reflect on changing my life-path. If this is not for me I have left a long time ago.  There’s something in it that really draws me in spite of the down times. I have chosen this life.

My focus right now is this angst. This desire to be emotionally stable and focus more on how to be serene. I’m already a mid-lifer and I am wasting what is already spent halfway. Life is short. I cannot be forever doing trial and error stuff with my life.

It can never be flawless or problem-free but I want a better life. I want to let go of so much fear, so much emotional dependence. Sometimes I feel my life is on hold as I wait for that moment, that insight that would make me at peace.

I am grateful when I read blogs on happiness, serenity, on having a meaningful life. I want that. I only have one life to live and I owe it to myself to live well.

Just the other day I was into heavy trust issue again. I am on Day 60 and must be on a chemical imbalance stage but I cannot blame everything on that. Knowing that I have PMDD is not a license to lose my mind on issues that destroys me. It explains why, it tells me why I am    extra vulnerable but I cannot ever use chemical imbalance as a license to stay miserable.

I want out from this intermittent “HAVOC.” Maybe I will never be completely out of it but I want to  “manage” it better than I have been doing for the past years. I never win. I rarely win.

Instead of reading blogs similar to my emotional roller-coasters maybe it would do me good to focus on blogs about mindfulness and serene living.