RSS Feed

Category Archives: self-possession

LIFE CHOICES

Posted on

I am done with my 20s, 30s and 40s where I have spent most of my energy grappling with childhood issues, with blame and lack of self-love. I can say that I know myself better now. The need to speak about the self with another person is not as strong as when I was younger.

At this age of my life I am aware that “CHARITY” is the highest objective. It’s not about the self anymore. More or less I have passed that stage of in-depth self-processing.   I already know myself  but as Saint Teresa wrote, “Self-knowledge  is a life long process.”

I am passed that stage in my life asking what do I want to be when I grow up. This is already the grown up time. This is the “future” I was thinking of as a child. Not that I thought of being a nun as a child but I often think then of my “future” life.  The mysterious twist came and I flowed with it but through the years I was swept now and then by doubts, confusion, guilt, sadness and all sorts of emotions that makes me think that I might have made the wrong decision in choosing this way of life.

We live only once and what if in this one life I made the wrong choice? What if there is another life where I would be happier, more contented and more of my own at ease self?

And yet what if I chose the other life and have these exact same questions?

No one really knows. It could be this, it could be that.  I have made a choice, a commitment. If I was married and felt I made the wrong choice would I decide to leave and begin elsewhere?

These are passing thoughts that I have but I notice that through the years they don’t really come to a point of a “crisis” or disturbance that makes me seriously discern. Maybe they are normal.

Maybe even married/partnered people have all these musings now and then asking themselves, “Am I trapped? Did I make the right choice?”

 

A LETTER TO MYSELF (and yourself, too)

Posted on

My dearest self,

We can make things happen. You are not alone. I am here for you.  Don’t run to people to help you get out of the darkness. It is our task to do that. Don’t blame a friend, don’t blame others if they cannot sit with you in your dark places anymore.

Find your clarity, your healing, your moving-on-choices. You are an unmarried woman. You have no one, in human form, you can really call your own. You were not meant for that. God called you to be his alone.

It is not true that you will not be able to rise above all these emotional turmoil. One day you will just realize that you are less hungry for connections. You will understand that true friendship defies space and time and you will see that all along it is about you and God.

Do not be afraid to enter this new life with yourself. Know your compulsions. Refuse to be enslaved by the terrors of your fear. Hold yourself and breathe as you self-soothe.  Recognize that   in all your tiny attempts to seek peace God is ever ready to supply all you need. At times the packaging is not according to how you would want it but He knows best. God gave you this part of yourself who is now writing this letter. I am your “sane” part, this part of you who carries the clarity of your every choices.

Well, you often do not listen to me but I am always here. I am this part of you who remains clear and trusting despite all that you went through in the past. I was unharmed by fear. God made it so. I was remain whole and safe within you.

I see you   fail again and again but I don’t hate you for that. I feel your every sadness and confusions but I never lost hope in you.  I know you didn’t know any better. You were consumed by your fears, and mainly by your mistaken beliefs about yourself.    I am grateful you are with me at this moment. Others say you can get in touch with me during meditation but it seems in your case we meet better when you write.

I am with you. I am yourself who will always help you get up and begin again and again and again. Let us both stand before your fears and see that you will be alright no matter where you are at this stage of your life. You are never on your own. Do not lose patience. I am here for you.    I am this part of you which was never distorted by your history of difficulties and false beliefs. I remain in God’s space of love no matter where you were back then. Unscathed. Protected. Safe. It was meant to be.  There will always be a part of every person which will not be harm by darkness.

I don’t know if you can call me your soul,   your higher self,   your essence. Whatever label won’t matter but what I want you to never forget is that you are never alone. No one has abandoned you even if your father died early, your mother left you for some time,   your “failed” relationships – these are not abandonment(s).   It has touched your life with pain but ultimately you were never abandoned because I have accompanied you all along the journey. You felt alone but in truth I was there. You couldn’t hear but I never left you. And I am still here and will always be here.

You have me already long before other friendships were given to you. Long before all the other “band-aids” were applied.   Try to use your remaining time wisely now. I can help you.

The struggle with loneliness will always be there but the intensity will change.   Trust yourself on this.  Remember that you have me. I am a spark of God’s presence in you. I have been taking care of you through the years and it will never change.

I hope you will always remember too as you enter another decade of your life that only when you find peace in “US” – yourself in me, in your true essence – intact, healed, whole, freed from fears and groundlessness – only then that your relationship with others can be really called true friendship. Empty of your need to be filled by them, to seek  refuge in them. There is no perfect life but inner peace is possible.

I can help you find that kind of peace.    I am with you always, 24/7.  Trust me with your tomorrow. Trust me with your today. Trust HIM who gave me to you.

 

 

 

 

WRITE

Posted on

I am still here. Wanting to write but still so unfocused in making this happen. Someday I want to be a writer but then I know there is no someday. Just today.

I am nearing 50 and I am beginning to seriously be afraid about not fulfilling my dream. Daily there is something I need to do that I keep postponing the prescribed writing practice. And most days I question if I can really write and if it’s worth my time. But then the desire never wanes. It is always here. Quietly nudging at me. Write. Write. Write.

What will I write about?

GROUNDLESSNESS

Posted on

Pema Chodron’s “groundlessness” is St. John of the Cross’ “dark night.”

When we experience groundlessness or dark night we are given the gift to awaken to the truth of life’s essential realities. What once gives us a sense of safety or peace is shattered, lost or acutely seen in its truth. Impermanent. Fleeting. Superficial. Unreliable. Undependable.   Groundlessness/dark night sets in.  This is universally labeled as SUFFERING.

No one will ever be exempted.

In our younger years or before we got interested to read spirituality books or have our “awakenings” – we go through life believing that all pain, difficulties, restlessness, uneasiness, conflicts – all that makes one ill at ease – has to be solved, fixed, do away with, before we can finally begin to arrive “there.” To that serene, peaceful life.

In my readings of Pema, which I find strong resonance with St.  John of the Cross, I am seeing more clearly that suffering cannot be completely removed from our everyday life (though there are  unnecessary, man-made petty sufferings which can be avoided.)

Pema’s words – befriending our personal demons –  speaks to me of facing our fears and understanding where they are coming from and learning skills to healthily manage them, instead of assuming that our fears are to be seen as enemies and “bad” parts of our personality.

I have met and sat with my personal demon countless times.  Psychology labels them as “weaknessness” or “learned/acquired dysfunctional reactions to life’s miseries.”  These are my autopilot response   when I feel groundless.  It is my common “escape route,” my complusive reactions to find safety, my habitual way of relating with insecurities.

Befriending our personal demons is the initial step in loosening its grip on us.

Pema’s echo of the ancient teaching of unconditional friendliness towards oneself is similar to Jesus’ “To love others as we love ourselves.”  Love of self is “maîtri – unconditional friendliness towards one’s self.”

The journey truly begins with one’s inner life and not on what is outside.

FEAR is always inside us. It is this fear, this sense of groundlessness, which makes us relate to life on a perpetual ill at ease-vigilant-alarmed mode. Fear blocks our path to “friendliness” towards our own self.

I will continue reading Pema, with focused this time. I want what she has understood and lived and is teaching as a Buddhist nun. I also want to continue seeing the pattern of similarities of my Catholic faith and the Buddhist lessons on putting order into disordered lives.