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Tag Archives: celibate life

A LETTER TO MYSELF (and yourself, too)

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My dearest self,

We can make things happen. You are not alone. I am here for you.  Don’t run to people to help you get out of the darkness. It is our task to do that. Don’t blame a friend, don’t blame others if they cannot sit with you in your dark places anymore.

Find your clarity, your healing, your moving-on-choices. You are an unmarried woman. You have no one, in human form, you can really call your own. You were not meant for that. God called you to be his alone.

It is not true that you will not be able to rise above all these emotional turmoil. One day you will just realize that you are less hungry for connections. You will understand that true friendship defies space and time and you will see that all along it is about you and God.

Do not be afraid to enter this new life with yourself. Know your compulsions. Refuse to be enslaved by the terrors of your fear. Hold yourself and breathe as you self-soothe.  Recognize that   in all your tiny attempts to seek peace God is ever ready to supply all you need. At times the packaging is not according to how you would want it but He knows best. God gave you this part of yourself who is now writing this letter. I am your “sane” part, this part of you who carries the clarity of your every choices.

Well, you often do not listen to me but I am always here. I am this part of you who remains clear and trusting despite all that you went through in the past. I was unharmed by fear. God made it so. I was remain whole and safe within you.

I see you   fail again and again but I don’t hate you for that. I feel your every sadness and confusions but I never lost hope in you.  I know you didn’t know any better. You were consumed by your fears, and mainly by your mistaken beliefs about yourself.    I am grateful you are with me at this moment. Others say you can get in touch with me during meditation but it seems in your case we meet better when you write.

I am with you. I am yourself who will always help you get up and begin again and again and again. Let us both stand before your fears and see that you will be alright no matter where you are at this stage of your life. You are never on your own. Do not lose patience. I am here for you.    I am this part of you which was never distorted by your history of difficulties and false beliefs. I remain in God’s space of love no matter where you were back then. Unscathed. Protected. Safe. It was meant to be.  There will always be a part of every person which will not be harm by darkness.

I don’t know if you can call me your soul,   your higher self,   your essence. Whatever label won’t matter but what I want you to never forget is that you are never alone. No one has abandoned you even if your father died early, your mother left you for some time,   your “failed” relationships – these are not abandonment(s).   It has touched your life with pain but ultimately you were never abandoned because I have accompanied you all along the journey. You felt alone but in truth I was there. You couldn’t hear but I never left you. And I am still here and will always be here.

You have me already long before other friendships were given to you. Long before all the other “band-aids” were applied.   Try to use your remaining time wisely now. I can help you.

The struggle with loneliness will always be there but the intensity will change.   Trust yourself on this.  Remember that you have me. I am a spark of God’s presence in you. I have been taking care of you through the years and it will never change.

I hope you will always remember too as you enter another decade of your life that only when you find peace in “US” – yourself in me, in your true essence – intact, healed, whole, freed from fears and groundlessness – only then that your relationship with others can be really called true friendship. Empty of your need to be filled by them, to seek  refuge in them. There is no perfect life but inner peace is possible.

I can help you find that kind of peace.    I am with you always, 24/7.  Trust me with your tomorrow. Trust me with your today. Trust HIM who gave me to you.

 

 

 

 

A CHOICE THAT WILL AFFECT THE REMAINING YEARS OF MY LIFE

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In opening myself to this relationship I realized that I have made myself deeply vulnerable to all the inevitable challenges that goes with it.

I see its difficulties and given the choice I will still have this friendship in my life.  I am grateful but I must admit it is hurting me.

To be deeply bonded with another is rare especially where I am.

I told him that I have reached my limit. I am already tired. I have come face to face about the uselessness of all my romantic illusions about us. All that I have in mind is useless because however I struggle we will remain this way. Always apart than together.

There is nothing to look forward to in the future. We are not going to get married nor do we have any future of being together.

I was able to share all this to him yesterday. He listened very well. As always.  He said I will still evolve and that no matter how I feel right now it is still a part of my life: the friendship that we have.  He said what is not good is to be angry with myself that I have this.

Yes, his presence is a part of my life.

I live this life with all my compulsions and awareness of having an illicit double life with him.

I told him this angst, this impatience with myself, this question of why am I allowing myself to go through all the longings and aches in spite of  knowing  that there is nothing to look forward to between us.  That I will just perpetually be in pain.

This is not about wanting us to be a “normal” couple.

It never crossed my mind   that we get married even from the start. He is happy and fulfilled where he is.  I will not take that away from him in the same way that changing path was never an option for me.   I know myself. Married life is never in my template.

We are really just good friends enjoying each other’s presence.   Ours is really just an unconventional friendship. There was attraction, an affinity of the mind, and later it blossomed into a beautiful uninhibited and soulful friendship. In choosing to have this kind of friendship, issues which in normal situation should not have been a part of my life overwhelmed me.  With it comes all the messy, thorny area of human condition: insecurities, emotional dependence, exclusivity, sense of entitlement and many other pain-filled issues.

What do I want then?

Should I choose to be devoid of aches and longings and be without a friend or have the friendship and somehow learn to live with certain “unsolvable” and “chronic” issues which unsettles my resolve to have a serene life? Guilt, long distance relationship anguish, trust, longings and all that comes with a man and woman relationship.

My choice now will define the remaining years of my life.  Shall I continue living this way? Always unsure whether to let go or to accept what is and simply appreciate what my friend and I have?

Can I just receive my life as it is with all its uniqueness and complexities and stop looking at it as a problem to be solved?

Should I just accept that there will never really be an “everything-is already-solved” phase and that all of us simply learns to balance and juggle with life’s is-ness?

But what if I am destroying myself by not letting go? What if all along I should not have entered into this double life with him?

What do I really want?