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A LETTER TO MYSELF (and yourself, too)

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My dearest self,

We can make things happen. You are not alone. I am here for you.  Don’t run to people to help you get out of the darkness. It is our task to do that. Don’t blame a friend, don’t blame others if they cannot sit with you in your dark places anymore.

Find your clarity, your healing, your moving-on-choices. You are an unmarried woman. You have no one, in human form, you can really call your own. You were not meant for that. God called you to be his alone.

It is not true that you will not be able to rise above all these emotional turmoil. One day you will just realize that you are less hungry for connections. You will understand that true friendship defies space and time and you will see that all along it is about you and God.

Do not be afraid to enter this new life with yourself. Know your compulsions. Refuse to be enslaved by the terrors of your fear. Hold yourself and breathe as you self-soothe.  Recognize that   in all your tiny attempts to seek peace God is ever ready to supply all you need. At times the packaging is not according to how you would want it but He knows best. God gave you this part of yourself who is now writing this letter. I am your “sane” part, this part of you who carries the clarity of your every choices.

Well, you often do not listen to me but I am always here. I am this part of you who remains clear and trusting despite all that you went through in the past. I was unharmed by fear. God made it so. I was remain whole and safe within you.

I see you   fail again and again but I don’t hate you for that. I feel your every sadness and confusions but I never lost hope in you.  I know you didn’t know any better. You were consumed by your fears, and mainly by your mistaken beliefs about yourself.    I am grateful you are with me at this moment. Others say you can get in touch with me during meditation but it seems in your case we meet better when you write.

I am with you. I am yourself who will always help you get up and begin again and again and again. Let us both stand before your fears and see that you will be alright no matter where you are at this stage of your life. You are never on your own. Do not lose patience. I am here for you.    I am this part of you which was never distorted by your history of difficulties and false beliefs. I remain in God’s space of love no matter where you were back then. Unscathed. Protected. Safe. It was meant to be.  There will always be a part of every person which will not be harm by darkness.

I don’t know if you can call me your soul,   your higher self,   your essence. Whatever label won’t matter but what I want you to never forget is that you are never alone. No one has abandoned you even if your father died early, your mother left you for some time,   your “failed” relationships – these are not abandonment(s).   It has touched your life with pain but ultimately you were never abandoned because I have accompanied you all along the journey. You felt alone but in truth I was there. You couldn’t hear but I never left you. And I am still here and will always be here.

You have me already long before other friendships were given to you. Long before all the other “band-aids” were applied.   Try to use your remaining time wisely now. I can help you.

The struggle with loneliness will always be there but the intensity will change.   Trust yourself on this.  Remember that you have me. I am a spark of God’s presence in you. I have been taking care of you through the years and it will never change.

I hope you will always remember too as you enter another decade of your life that only when you find peace in “US” – yourself in me, in your true essence – intact, healed, whole, freed from fears and groundlessness – only then that your relationship with others can be really called true friendship. Empty of your need to be filled by them, to seek  refuge in them. There is no perfect life but inner peace is possible.

I can help you find that kind of peace.    I am with you always, 24/7.  Trust me with your tomorrow. Trust me with your today. Trust HIM who gave me to you.

 

 

 

 

LIVING IN TWO DIFFERENT PLACES

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I wrote this is January 23, 2011.  I still have PMDD but I am learning to catch it early. I feel I want to hug the person that is me that wrote this four years ago. Posting this is my way of hugging me. 

I live in two different places each month.

At first I thought it was just all in the mind. I thought the pharmaceutical industries were simply trying to  sensationalized a new medical diagnosis to sell yet another drug.

In my twenties I could already sense something was wrong with me. Years later my  Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) was confirmed.  Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)  was not yet known then.

I was never clinically or officiallly diagnosed though. But based on my patterns this past years  I know I have PMDD.

And it scares me….

This land of PMDD creates havoc in a magnitude that scares me more and more.

Most of the time I am already  flat on my face   before I can really accept that I am not myself anymore. Recently I again had a major conflict with my best friend.

A day before I “changed” everything feels normal. We were talking then all of a sudden I seemed to have instantaneously transformed. He said something that shattered my peace and immediately my moods went below zero.

It led to an ugly exchange of words. A fight.

None of us won.

It is DAY 22

I still feel “unsettled.”  I still feel  drained about that fight.  It is day 22. When the bleeding comes magic seems to happen. I go back to my previous home. Each month I live in two different places.

Self-diagnosing myself as a woman with PMDD does not excuse me from the toxic climate I am creating.  I am at all times responsible for the person I am becoming.

For now I just want to write and help myself  manage the symptoms and hopefully write less and less about it.

I don’t just want to write about PMDD. I want to write about LIFE.

There is more to life about this emotional roller-coaster.

I still believe in myself.   I just had a short conversation with my best friend a while back. I could sense  that my craziness is seen not as  all of me. I am still loved.